How To Tell If You're in South Korea

Do you ever wake up and wonder where you are? For many, those brief moments of post-sleep confusion are clarified when one remembers, "Ah, yes. I'm safe at home in my own bed, in my own home, in my own country. All is well." Alas, for some of us the reaction is slightly more jarring: "Why does it smell like fish? Who's shouting outside my window? Why are people speaking in tongues?"

Thanks to many a disorienting morning, I devised this highly scientific test that will help you determine whether or not you're in South Korea. Enjoy!

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1. You smell fish. What time is it?

• Lunchtime or Dinnertime. You're probably at home. And kudos to you for the healthy meal choice!
• Breakfast. You guessed it. South Korea. Nothing says good morning like chowing down on an entire fish - eyeballs, scales, bones and all.

2. Open your door. What happens next?

• Nothing. You're either living a rather blissfully uneventful life at home or you're the last one to hear about a military evacuation. Maybe you should look into that.
• Your nosy neighbor asks you about the various recyclables they found in your bin... in your own language. You're still at home, but you're probably considering moving.
• An avalanche of advertisements fall from the door frame and hit you on the head, scaring your pants off every time. You're in South Korea, and swearing revenge on the stealthy ninja who graffitis your door!

It's a Greenpeace nightmare!

3. Someone you know has been admitted to the hospital. If you want to visit them, where should you go?

• To the hospital, duh. You're definitely in America.
• To any public place outside the hospital, such as a coffee shop, grocery store or even sitting outside smoking on a bench. Yup, you're in South Korea alright. The sight of hospital gown clad strangers roaming the streets with their catheter bags and cigarettes is a bit reminiscent of a zombie movie where everyone but you is infected with some mutant strain of DNA. At least it makes taking walks a bit more interesting.

4. Take a stroll outside. Now, count how many people body slam you without looking phased or apologizing.

• 0-1: You're at home.
• 2-5: You're probably in Europe.
• 6-25: You're in a mosh pit.
• 26-230: You're most definitely in South Korea.

Just another fun time crowd surfing...

5. Continue on your stroll... how many people loudly and voraciously hawk lugies in your general vicinity?

• 0-1: There's no place like home!
• 2-20: You're in the dugout at an MLB game.
• 21-83: You're on an average 10 minute walk in South Korea.

6. You see an ad with two cartoon pigs in graduation caps and gowns jumping up and down holding meat tenderizers, then suddenly a large radish is holding a telephone. What could this mean?

• A restaurant? Maybe in America. Even then, poor advertising strategy.
• A caricature class? Possibly.
• An instant-loan company? Well, duh. Any Korean could've told you that. How could you not understand what that was supposed to be?

7. Someone said something complimentary about your appearance. What was it?

• You look great! You're in the States.
• Tu es très belle! You're in France.
• You have a small face. You and your tiny face are in Korea.

8. You just moved into a new home and need some small kitchen appliances. What's the primary brand you find at your local store?

• Kitchen Aid. Clearly you'll be cooking up some homemade mac 'n cheese with your iconic American wares.
• Bosch. Perhaps some bratwurst, mein herr?
• Hello Kitty. Hello Korea.

Hope your home decor matches pink and red!

9. You buy a new athletic shirt. What does it say?

• Nike. Home sweet home!
• Le coq sportif. Vive la France!
• Adequately Paris Kitten Number H. In sequins. You're in the ROK, which is a good thing because it's probably the only place you won't get beat up for wearing a shirt like that.

10. Finally, which potentially life-threatening situation are you most likely to run into?

• Your medication ran out. Well, lucky for you you're in the States, so you can just jump in your car and head to the pharmacy for some more!
• You spend too much time in the sun and may develop melanoma. You could be anywhere. Except Korea, where you're supposed to dress like you're in a blizzard in August to avoid the sun's rays. Seriously. Gloves, face masks, umbrellas, visors... you wouldn't be able to recognize your own pale, pale mother.
• A roving gang of elderly women. Ajummas!! *shudder* The bane of life in SoKo. These ladies have no qualms shoving you out of the way, touching you uninvited and yelling Korean in your face. They like to bulk up and get more intimidating by doing vigorous calisthenics at the local parks. Watch out!

An ajumma bulking up at the park.