How To Tell If You're in South Korea

Do you ever wake up and wonder where you are? For many, those brief moments of post-sleep confusion are clarified when one remembers, "Ah, yes. I'm safe at home in my own bed, in my own home, in my own country. All is well." Alas, for some of us the reaction is slightly more jarring: "Why does it smell like fish? Who's shouting outside my window? Why are people speaking in tongues?"

Thanks to many a disorienting morning, I devised this highly scientific test that will help you determine whether or not you're in South Korea. Enjoy!

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1. You smell fish. What time is it?

• Lunchtime or Dinnertime. You're probably at home. And kudos to you for the healthy meal choice!
• Breakfast. You guessed it. South Korea. Nothing says good morning like chowing down on an entire fish - eyeballs, scales, bones and all.

2. Open your door. What happens next?

• Nothing. You're either living a rather blissfully uneventful life at home or you're the last one to hear about a military evacuation. Maybe you should look into that.
• Your nosy neighbor asks you about the various recyclables they found in your bin... in your own language. You're still at home, but you're probably considering moving.
• An avalanche of advertisements fall from the door frame and hit you on the head, scaring your pants off every time. You're in South Korea, and swearing revenge on the stealthy ninja who graffitis your door!

It's a Greenpeace nightmare!

3. Someone you know has been admitted to the hospital. If you want to visit them, where should you go?

• To the hospital, duh. You're definitely in America.
• To any public place outside the hospital, such as a coffee shop, grocery store or even sitting outside smoking on a bench. Yup, you're in South Korea alright. The sight of hospital gown clad strangers roaming the streets with their catheter bags and cigarettes is a bit reminiscent of a zombie movie where everyone but you is infected with some mutant strain of DNA. At least it makes taking walks a bit more interesting.

4. Take a stroll outside. Now, count how many people body slam you without looking phased or apologizing.

• 0-1: You're at home.
• 2-5: You're probably in Europe.
• 6-25: You're in a mosh pit.
• 26-230: You're most definitely in South Korea.

Just another fun time crowd surfing...

5. Continue on your stroll... how many people loudly and voraciously hawk lugies in your general vicinity?

• 0-1: There's no place like home!
• 2-20: You're in the dugout at an MLB game.
• 21-83: You're on an average 10 minute walk in South Korea.

6. You see an ad with two cartoon pigs in graduation caps and gowns jumping up and down holding meat tenderizers, then suddenly a large radish is holding a telephone. What could this mean?

• A restaurant? Maybe in America. Even then, poor advertising strategy.
• A caricature class? Possibly.
• An instant-loan company? Well, duh. Any Korean could've told you that. How could you not understand what that was supposed to be?

7. Someone said something complimentary about your appearance. What was it?

• You look great! You're in the States.
• Tu es très belle! You're in France.
• You have a small face. You and your tiny face are in Korea.

8. You just moved into a new home and need some small kitchen appliances. What's the primary brand you find at your local store?

• Kitchen Aid. Clearly you'll be cooking up some homemade mac 'n cheese with your iconic American wares.
• Bosch. Perhaps some bratwurst, mein herr?
• Hello Kitty. Hello Korea.

Hope your home decor matches pink and red!

9. You buy a new athletic shirt. What does it say?

• Nike. Home sweet home!
• Le coq sportif. Vive la France!
• Adequately Paris Kitten Number H. In sequins. You're in the ROK, which is a good thing because it's probably the only place you won't get beat up for wearing a shirt like that.

10. Finally, which potentially life-threatening situation are you most likely to run into?

• Your medication ran out. Well, lucky for you you're in the States, so you can just jump in your car and head to the pharmacy for some more!
• You spend too much time in the sun and may develop melanoma. You could be anywhere. Except Korea, where you're supposed to dress like you're in a blizzard in August to avoid the sun's rays. Seriously. Gloves, face masks, umbrellas, visors... you wouldn't be able to recognize your own pale, pale mother.
• A roving gang of elderly women. Ajummas!! *shudder* The bane of life in SoKo. These ladies have no qualms shoving you out of the way, touching you uninvited and yelling Korean in your face. They like to bulk up and get more intimidating by doing vigorous calisthenics at the local parks. Watch out!

An ajumma bulking up at the park.

How To Make a Korean Flower Arrangement

Before getting started, gather your supplies. You will need:

• 1-2 yards of pink and gold netting
• 16 pieces of pink and purple tissue paper
• A giant pink bow
• 18 silver twist ties

Now let's get started. Oh wait, I almost forgot you need flowers, too. Although that's not really the point of a Korean flower arrangement. If you have a couple flowers, you might as well throw them in. Now let's really get started.

Step One: Heap your pink and purple stuff into a huge pile to admire the sheer mass of it.

Step Two: Get some flowers. If you don't have any, it doesn't matter. A Korean flower arrangement has very little, if anything, to do with actual flowers.

Step Three: Contemplate if you really want to even include flowers in your arrangement. They're just so... understated.

Step Four: Decide to include your flowers, but cover each one individually with pink and purple tissue paper to mask the fact that they are actual flowers.

Step Five: Group tissue bunches (*sigh* and flowers) into a bouquet and cover with several more pieces of tissue paper. Oops! I still see green!! More tissue!!

Step Six: Assess your bouquet. I can still see too many flowers. More tissue!!

Step Seven: While there is no visible green anymore (thank goodness!) it still doesn't look enough like a bad 80's prom dress. More tissue! And netting! And a bow!

Step 8: Admire your breathtaking creation. Who knew that a flower arrangement could be so elegant and classy? It's like the alluring flicker of a neon sign advertising a 24 hour pawn shop. Simply breathtaking.

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Note: While I wish I could take credit for making this *ahem* thing... I actually received the fully assembled bouquet from one of my students and it took me about 10 minutes to get all the tissue, ribbons, netting and twist ties off of it to find the actual flowers inside! The crazy part is, this is actually one of the more tasteful bouquets I've seen!

Seoul Lantern Festival

Last weekend I went to the Seoul Lantern Festival with some of my friends and it was both breathtaking and ridiculously crowded. It's definitely a plus to be a 5'10" American woman in such situations, though, because I had a pretty good view of the lanterns, and my friends could find me easily if we got separated.

Some hanging lanterns and some lotus lanterns in the stream. Lovely!

This one was my favorite - a woman in a hanbok sitting in a lotus bloom.

The hanging lanterns up and down the stream really made the whole night sparkle.

Some of the lanterns were two stories high!

There was a special lantern in honor of the G 20 Summit... President Obama sure looks happy about it!

Not sure what this lantern is... looks like an angry red genie bursting out of a flaming box.

Hey! I know that lady!

If you ask me, the Seoul mascot is a bit... cheesy. It's hard to believe this is what they want representing them to the world.

Yay! It's almost Christmas!!

I had a great time taking in the glowing sights and spending time with my good friends. I highly recommend seeing a lantern festival if you come to Korea - they're spectacular! Luckily you don't have to plan your travel itinerary around one because they happen quite frequently in different areas all over SoKo. In fact, festivals of any nature always seem to be going on! I like that they find ways to celebrate even the little things in life, like kimchi. Yes, there is a kimchi festival and I want to go!

Noraebang!

Noraebang in Seoul!

I was never really crazy about karaoke in the States. Call me boring, but standing in front of an audience of total strangers while my voice cracks like a choirboy going through puberty is just not my idea of a good time. Nevertheless, when I heard about the popularity of karaoke in South Korea, I decided to give it a whirl. Maybe my hoarse and raspy vocal stylings would sound delightful in Korean! (Side note: they don't.)

After a tasty Thai dinner, a group of friends and I went out for some noraebang, which literally means "singing room" in Korean. While the idea of frightening away all my friends wasn't particularly appealing, at least my humiliation would be in private. We checked into our private room and all my inhibitions immediately flew out the door... it was awesome! It was karaoke on steroids; big screen TV, strobe lights, disco balls, tambourines... you name it! One interesting addition was that the TV/karaoke machine had all these random silent movie clips in the background of the song lyrics; everything from Korean ministers preaching to a sappy love scene with a boy and girl running through a field and then crying. It really added a certain... something.

While I'm fairly certain I did, in fact, frighten everyone else present, I had a great time! I sang (read: croaked/shouted) until I practically lost my voice. I'm hooked.

My friend Monica rockin' the tambourine!

Yes, we were singing Kris Kross "Jump"...