How To Tell If You're in South Korea

Do you ever wake up and wonder where you are? For many, those brief moments of post-sleep confusion are clarified when one remembers, "Ah, yes. I'm safe at home in my own bed, in my own home, in my own country. All is well." Alas, for some of us the reaction is slightly more jarring: "Why does it smell like fish? Who's shouting outside my window? Why are people speaking in tongues?"

Thanks to many a disorienting morning, I devised this highly scientific test that will help you determine whether or not you're in South Korea. Enjoy!

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1. You smell fish. What time is it?

• Lunchtime or Dinnertime. You're probably at home. And kudos to you for the healthy meal choice!
• Breakfast. You guessed it. South Korea. Nothing says good morning like chowing down on an entire fish - eyeballs, scales, bones and all.

2. Open your door. What happens next?

• Nothing. You're either living a rather blissfully uneventful life at home or you're the last one to hear about a military evacuation. Maybe you should look into that.
• Your nosy neighbor asks you about the various recyclables they found in your bin... in your own language. You're still at home, but you're probably considering moving.
• An avalanche of advertisements fall from the door frame and hit you on the head, scaring your pants off every time. You're in South Korea, and swearing revenge on the stealthy ninja who graffitis your door!

It's a Greenpeace nightmare!

3. Someone you know has been admitted to the hospital. If you want to visit them, where should you go?

• To the hospital, duh. You're definitely in America.
• To any public place outside the hospital, such as a coffee shop, grocery store or even sitting outside smoking on a bench. Yup, you're in South Korea alright. The sight of hospital gown clad strangers roaming the streets with their catheter bags and cigarettes is a bit reminiscent of a zombie movie where everyone but you is infected with some mutant strain of DNA. At least it makes taking walks a bit more interesting.

4. Take a stroll outside. Now, count how many people body slam you without looking phased or apologizing.

• 0-1: You're at home.
• 2-5: You're probably in Europe.
• 6-25: You're in a mosh pit.
• 26-230: You're most definitely in South Korea.

Just another fun time crowd surfing...

5. Continue on your stroll... how many people loudly and voraciously hawk lugies in your general vicinity?

• 0-1: There's no place like home!
• 2-20: You're in the dugout at an MLB game.
• 21-83: You're on an average 10 minute walk in South Korea.

6. You see an ad with two cartoon pigs in graduation caps and gowns jumping up and down holding meat tenderizers, then suddenly a large radish is holding a telephone. What could this mean?

• A restaurant? Maybe in America. Even then, poor advertising strategy.
• A caricature class? Possibly.
• An instant-loan company? Well, duh. Any Korean could've told you that. How could you not understand what that was supposed to be?

7. Someone said something complimentary about your appearance. What was it?

• You look great! You're in the States.
• Tu es très belle! You're in France.
• You have a small face. You and your tiny face are in Korea.

8. You just moved into a new home and need some small kitchen appliances. What's the primary brand you find at your local store?

• Kitchen Aid. Clearly you'll be cooking up some homemade mac 'n cheese with your iconic American wares.
• Bosch. Perhaps some bratwurst, mein herr?
• Hello Kitty. Hello Korea.

Hope your home decor matches pink and red!

9. You buy a new athletic shirt. What does it say?

• Nike. Home sweet home!
• Le coq sportif. Vive la France!
• Adequately Paris Kitten Number H. In sequins. You're in the ROK, which is a good thing because it's probably the only place you won't get beat up for wearing a shirt like that.

10. Finally, which potentially life-threatening situation are you most likely to run into?

• Your medication ran out. Well, lucky for you you're in the States, so you can just jump in your car and head to the pharmacy for some more!
• You spend too much time in the sun and may develop melanoma. You could be anywhere. Except Korea, where you're supposed to dress like you're in a blizzard in August to avoid the sun's rays. Seriously. Gloves, face masks, umbrellas, visors... you wouldn't be able to recognize your own pale, pale mother.
• A roving gang of elderly women. Ajummas!! *shudder* The bane of life in SoKo. These ladies have no qualms shoving you out of the way, touching you uninvited and yelling Korean in your face. They like to bulk up and get more intimidating by doing vigorous calisthenics at the local parks. Watch out!

An ajumma bulking up at the park.

SoKo Signs

One of my favorite pastimes here in Korea is reading all the misspelled, inappropriate or misused English. If I wasn't so embarrassed about being an obvious tourist, I would take pictures of some of the English shirts that people wear, which say things like; "This is very many", "San Flanklin", "Little Dartling" and some that I won't post here due to their graphic and profane nature.

Luckily, there are plenty of other funny signs that aren't being worn by people who would probably glare at me and tell me to move back to "San Flanklin" if they saw me taking their picture.

Enjoy!

This is a little button in some public bathroom stalls... an "ambiance" button if you will. In English it says, "Press PUSH button, then it sounds flushing." If you're feeling a little self-conscious, simply push this button and either a loud flushing sound or classical music will come out. Granted, as soon as other people here a concerto coming out of your stall, the jig is up anyway.

Poor advertising strategy.

Nobody tells ME where to approach my hands!

This sign was after three previous flights of stairs, and I think it's pretty obvious that the steps continue on ahead... but who knows, maybe some people just think "Well, I'm pretty sure that was enough steps" without looking and plummet to their death.

This sign made me happy (seven times, actually) until it left me hanging there at the end. WHAT will I happily become...?! ARGH!

When you want to appeal to a truly International clientele... O'Kim's Brauhaus.

Korea: Fact or Fiction

Traditional Kimchi Pots

Before coming to South Korea, I read roughly a dozen books to prepare myself for the inevitable culture shock. While they were interesting reads to be sure, I found that I haven't been too shocked by the culture for the most part and many of the Korean facts I read about seem to be nonexistent these days.

I find it interesting that so much can change so fast because most of the books I read were written only a few years ago.But, as my employer noted while pointing out various cities to me on our way from the airport, "There's only two or three years' history here." What he means is that Korea has gone through a major boom economically. While there is still a rich ancient history, there has been a massive growth spurt in the last couple of years, which makes me wonder if some of the old Korean ways got lost in the mix.

Here I will recount, from personal experience, some of the Korean facts I read about and whether they appear to still exist. It's important to note that I am in no way a historian or expert on anything Korean... I'm just a waygook making some observations.

Fact or Fiction #1: Koreans eat kimchi with every meal. Fact. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, kimchi is involved. I was a little nervous about the prospect of eating so much fermented cabbage, but I actually really like it. And I eat cereal for breakfast.

Fact or Fiction #2: Koreans treat elders with great respect. Half and Half. I was expecting to see people going out of their way to honor the elderly and for the most part I haven't seen anything like it. In one instance, I saw a man yell at a particularly slow old lady in a wheel chair, "AJIMA!!!" (Which means "OLD LADY!!!") Yikes. But on the other hand, I have seen people give up seats on the subway, bow in respect and hold doors. I guess it's more of a personal respect for elders than a society as a whole. It also seems like the younger generations are the least respectful, but the same can be said for the US.

Fact or Fiction #3: Koreans never say no. Half and Half. I've heard the word "no" plenty of times. Well... maybe not that word verbatim, but some variation of it. For instance, I asked my employer for something today and she said, "It isn't possible." Not no, exactly, but that's clearly the meaning. The funny thing is, every time I've been told something isn't possible, or can't be done, my Korean counterpart will always ask, "Is it okay?" Maybe this is a little shred of the old days hanging on where it was unacceptable to say no, so instead they say no, but then ask you if it's okay that they're denying your request. Sure, I didn't really need the number to poison control, anyway.

Fact or Fiction #4: Koreans won't understand if you're over the age of 20 and not married with children. Fiction. This one has definitely changed. In fact, nowadays Korean men and women get married in their early thirties. Although one funny thing is that they're very forward with their intentions. A Korean man recently asked one of my friends in a casual conversation, "What are your plans for marrying?"

Fact or Fiction #5: Koreans wear socks with sandals and never show their bare feet in public. Fiction. Thank God! I was not going to wear socks and sandals, no matter how many ajimas harassed me. Thankfully, the majority of the Korean population seem to have grown out of their barefoot phobia and slipped in to something more fashion-friendly. They still take their shoes off indoors, which I have grown to appreciate. It's pretty fun to take my shoes off at a restaurant, pad over to a low little table in bare feet and sit down on the floor. I just pray that the table eating next to me have been practicing proper podiatric hygiene.